" On a path to a better self. "
Lately everyone seems to think that being single is a curse. Let’s agree to disagree. After a 2-years relationship that ended very badly, I pushed everyone away and stayed to myself. I was devastated that I couldn’t bare even talking to someone else. I needed to be alone for a while and I didn't care how long it will be.
” Alone time is when you distance yourself from the world voices, so you can hear your own.” Said – Oprah.
The first few months are the hardest. Someday you’ll wake up great, but some others your emotions will take over. Not everyone gained weight when their sad, but I sure did. All I did was go to work and take care of my family that I knew being in that relationship was hurting them. I’ve been trying to make to them for the past years and the worst part is I’m not even close. I needed to be alone to do so.
One early morning, I couldn’t sleep, and I started cleaning out my wallet out of boredom. I stumble upon of his business card. I had fell so lost, I had asked God and the universe of what I should do to move one with my life, and I got it. God has a way of putting you to test and they’re so intense and hard not fall into temptation. Boy oh boy! I took the card out I remember, just sitting staring at it for a couples of minutes and all my memories crashing and I all types feelings going on but mostly anger. I took my phone out and texted him “Hey, can we talk please”. I was so mad at myself after I sent that message I never checked my messages until a few hours later. “Who is this” I had changed my number. While I’m about respond he called and I immediately froze. I could not move a muscle. When the phone stopped ringing, I called my brother and I was freaking out and he told me “Hey just call him back”. It was so beautiful outside went and sat down and I called him back. I was so happy to hear from him. I was expecting to yell or scream at me, but he didn’t. After we made small talk, I asked if we can meet and we did. It was like nothing had change. Yes, it was a bit awkward at first, but I think we slipped right into habit like nothing had change. Well, at least I did. We talked, and the conversation went a little different than what I had picture in mind for the past years. Out of nowhere, I told him” I’m sorry for everything and for the way things ended.” but his answers about to change my life. “ . The few seconds between I finished my sentence and for him to give an answer felt so long. Words cannot describe the way I was feeling.
“Some things can’t be explained they have to be experienced” said – Charlemagne Tha God.
That is the truth. “I thought we left things in peace” was his answer. That answer changed was a wake-up call. That wasn’t the answer I wanted but somehow, I felt so peaceful, so relieved and that moment I just wanted to go home. Suddenly, I felt no more pain. I did not feel anything. I spent the whole day just numb to everything around me. I started to get angry later that night. I was so mad that I leave my house and get a hotel room to think freely. That night I looked at myself and almost didn’t recognize me. I had let go of myself. I lost sight of who I was.
That second part of being alone is so refreshing. That self- love is wonderful. I started being aware of my surroundings. Being happy again. The poet Robert Penn Warren definition of Lost is just perfect
“ What loss can be if you approach it right. The Process whereby the pain of the past in its pastness may be converted into the future tense of joy.”
I was no longer scared of being single or being lonely. In fact, I loved it. Getting to know myself was so much invigorating. Keri Hilson posted a picture of herself the other day the caption” I’m single by choice. I believe in reflecting, growing and healing in between relationship.” Most people were criticizing her, but she is telling the truth. Not taking time to properly heal will hurt but not only yourself but anyone that you’ll try to be in a relationship with. What you’re after a break up is fear. Fear of growing up and evolving into a better version of yourself. Seeking validation will keep you trapped so don’t be afraid to grieve your broken heart alone. You don’t need anyone or anything to approve of your worth.
Keri went on to say “I’m not waiting or looking. The right one will find me when it’s time.” People asking Ciara Wilson what prayer she made to God to have Russel Wilson. He is the lucky one to have found a woman that been through a lot and no longer hurting from her past relationship. She is a better and nicer version of herself because she is no longer crippled by her fear of being single and lonely.
My new favorite word is “Selfish”. It perfectly describes how I’m feeling these days. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated. Take yourself out on a date, have late night or early morning coffee somewhere else than your house. Try new things, take risk and get out of your comfort zone. The changes will blow your mind. Make yourself a priority is not being selfish, it’s self-love.
-N.J
" Thank you -N.J for your input, for sharing your story and to show others that bein alone or single is not a curse but a step in human's mind evolution. ... We appreciate it ".-
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