To you who gave me life … I say thank you
To you who weren't there for me whan I really needed it … I say thank you
To you who doesn't care about me … I say thank you
To you who maybe could've change my heart... I say thank you
I am Andre, and I say this today I have been seeking for the love of my biological mother for years, but I always fall to the same conclusion that " Me" wasn't what counts. I had a happy and sad life in the past, I was raised in a good family and I am grateful for all they have done for me, not forgetting the number of ass whooping I had from my Uncle ( who I actually call Dad), the number of times I had to think that I wasn't loved by my parents. Besides this side part of my life, I had a good education... I speak a few languages... I won't brag but I am a smart man; some of the choices I have made might've appeared stupid for a few of my friends but this is just me. Integrity and Dignity is important for me.
I understood lately that all the relationships I was in something was missing... They all made me think about my biologic mother who only cared about what I could bring or give in different ways : financial, materials... but not the love I can give besides all that. Not that I want to tell people about my personal life but today I feel that I have to let it out. I have been married twice and was close to be 3 times. I got out of these relationships and if there is one that has been a bit consistent to last it was my first marriage, I was 27, a young teacher and computer technician... My heart was big, very big... but the differences of human nature leads you to failure, sometimes the one that teach you, sometimes the one that destroys you. For my first ex... I learned. My separation from my children ( Yes we had 2 daughters ) were the worst feeling I've ever had as a father, but life and destiny wanted things to be like that... the future of my kids depended on that and I thank my mothers Aunt Julienne and My biological mother for giving me the ability to be fighting today for my kids and for myself. Its is hard trust me the duty of a father from a distance... You have to stay strong, always be the one to bring solutions always be the one to lead even the marriage is over so your kids see this figure of authority and protection from you.
My other relationships after marriage were pretty interesting experiences …
A woman younger than me, smart, intelligent, beautiful and I won't mention the sex part because it was great
Another one emotional, a good woman and mother but was too focused on other priorities involving her kids and herself... I'll say again she was a good woman
My first fiancé after my divorce in another country : at the beginning the sweetest woman ever, a long the way I made mistakes, but never cheated or went to another... Social media messed everything up, of course as a man we always have something to prove or to check : Our ability to attract others... no further details... At a certain point she made me realize that " CHANGE " is always good for ourselves as human being. I learned that the hard way : Ignoring me, diminishing me... What killed me once, She picked up a call in the middle of the night, flirting with some " Cutty African " as mentioned on her phone for contact name : She told him that " I will believe it when I see you "; I wasn't fully sleeping that night and I woke up and said " Are you serious ? at this time ? "... It was 20 degrees outside and she took her coat to talk outside... It was a sign and that was the last time I got drunk in my whole life because I needed that. I recorded her on day telling me the worst things ever, but as a quiet man and conscious of my limitations from problems, I didn't get violent or make it a whole scene... It was the time for me to leave that toxic relationship in any ways possible, My mind needed to rebooted, so I left.
I started a night job, and I was studying online at the same time, it kept me awake and motivated to move forward, until the day I found out that the person who gave me the job wanted more than that. Derdy and I became friends but was pretending to be someome she is not as per my Christian status, She went to my church once by surprise then pretented she wanted to join. I have always thought that something was off with her I felt going in something with her since I moved in the same building after I left my fiancée... Then I kept thinking to stay away from her … the funniest part of the story was when I wanted to leave for a better spot to be peaceful and neutral that girl visited me and was demanding that I sex her up... CRAZY RIGHT !!! She wanted me to get her pregnant but I have met someone else I couldn't do that. I was on the process of knowing Katoya, a girl with a pretty good profile on facebook, business oriented as per the profile, mother of a 7 year old kid, independent, divorced and family oriented. BUT... it's facebook people ! It was the beginning of the process to my next Ex.
The lesson from that relationship " Pay attention to the signs … " because sometimes some people you are dealing with will tell you that they can't be in your circle without even knowing it; Well after a few month ( 2 or 3 yeah very shortly ), I decided to meet her in person, a lot happened … (no details) . A few months after we moved to the next step I had the wit to propose in front of a particular witness. What I have picked up in her story with a guy she was after her divorce is the robotic behavior of a project manager " every man was a project for her " ; writing it I still can't understand that someone is like that. Introvertism sucks sometimes but as an Ambivert I know what both Intro and extro mean. " Everything has their limits " … I was doing my best in a new environment, new state, a business on process to work and no clients, I moved to her with the agreement to find me clients and to support with the business because beside my job in New York Some money on the side would be a good thing... . Question : Have you ever been doing a lot and you were demanded to do more than more ? Weird question I know … but bear with me Would you just let everything down in the state you are living to move just like that without any prospect in another one while you know you have a woman who only know " Love don't pay bills " ? …Well It's true Love don't pay bills, but the balance has to be established... . The concept patience was totally absent and attention was a dead feeling. I found out I have again made the wrong choice... She knew it and felt that All her pettiness and sick project manager behavior turned everything off. I mean I could've been more patient and swallow everything she said and asked me to do " Don't expect to come back if you to New York for 3 weeks ", "Do not touch to my stuff ", My kid and myself have t be number one on your daughters " etc etc … yeah things that I never replied to because I knew … Social Media can get you wrong... Well I travelled back to the Big Apple and got back in business since.
I might've not mentioned some details but these relationships opened my eyes on a lot of things. If I had my own mother loving me with a real heart, if I had an adopted mother who wouldn't have second thought on investing in something for me... If I had the chance to live a happy life with a mother but not with myself I could've avoid the repetition. So here I am bettering myself every single second, sharing my light with others, developing myself and living happily with myself thanks to my kids and some wonderful people in my circle. I am not perfect but wisdom found me according to my story.
I couldn't give more details for now, but bear with me.
Be grateful to your mother … even if she doesn't care about you she gave you life anyway.
Happy mother's day to all my readers mothers !
Dre.-
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